Still 40 lbs gone

I suppose I should be happy I've lost 40 lbs. 40 lbs in about 40 days is pretty amazing.  But I'm kind of sad that it's not continuing to come off.  I've been on maintenance for about 2 weeks now.  1100-1300 calories a day with no sugar, breads, pasta, rice, corn, or potatoes.  I thought it would be super hard to calorie count. I remember my mom doing calorie counting and it was an awful lot of brain power involved. I definitely do not have that right now. I downloaded an app on my phone called My Fitness Pal and it's kind of the greatest thing since sliced bread. For real.  It has a barcode scanner and every food imaginable. The only thing I couldn't find was a barcode on a container of cherry tomatoes from Aldi.  Really really impressive! And it has a bunch of restaurant meals. Today I got a salad at Panera without dressing and it had exactly how many calories it was.  Seriously, it's kind of the best app ever. Zero thinking required.  I'm a big fan! AND you can import online recipes. So if you're Pinterest obsessed, you can just zoink the recipe right from the internet into your program and BOOM! All the nutrition information! I couldn't do it without this app. So here's kind of a fluffy glowing review! If you even think you might want to calorie count, go get it now.

With the weight loss, I generally go up and down by a lb or two but don't consistently lose like I was on the second phase.  I guess that's why they call it maintenance.  I started doing the walking you're supposed to do now. Hopefully I can do it consistently over the winter and I'll see the weight continue to go down.

My thyroid has been jumpy too. I've gotten a few mild depressive episodes but I don't know what's going on with me anymore.  Hubs swears that exercise will help me feel better and kind of pushes me. But I haven't really been sleeping well at night.  Last night I got about 4 hours of sleep. Then today I went walking with Babes. We walked about 45 min. I can't really tell how fast I'm walking though.  I felt like I was walking like "walking the dog" on the app but he says it was a leisurely pace. So I have no idea. Sometimes I wonder if a fit bit would be a good idea. But I want something that just zoinks to My Fitness Pal because it's really fantastic. The only thing I don't use it for is the water intake because I don't always drink 8 oz portions. And my water app is pretty and sloshy.

I've been still feeling like a whirlwind with Hubs religious thing.  He said he doesn't want me to be involved in church because he doesn't want me to do it for the wrong reasons. He doesn't want me to do it just for him because he doesn't want me to be resentful. But I feel like if I don't go, how am I going to understand this thing that is suddenly so super important to him?  I feel like he doesn't really put any weight to what I say religiously speaking because I'm not "one of them"  I don't know. It's hard to explain. Still lots of turmoil in my life. Add to that us trying to rent out the house in PA so that we can actually live together. It's going to be an insane squeeze, all of us living in a tiny house in MD.  But the public school has therapy services our son really needs from Hopkins right there on site. That's kind of huge.  But that's a big big change. Between everything else that's been a big change, my mind can't keep up, so I'm getting random depressive bouts. And then my huge physical change is also messing with my head. Not necessarily in a bad way but it's too much all at once.

I'm hopeful tonight will be low key and I'll be able to stare into space until bed time. Then I"ll have to skip talking to Hubs most likely because I'm going to collapse into bed and not sleep. I mean....sleep.....yeah.  

In other news...

It's been a while since I've posted anything. My bipolar has really been kicking my butt. I had a few depressive episodes and wasn't really able to post anything. My pdoc doubled my meds and we're hoping they work. Unfortunately, with bp meds, you don't REALLY know if they work or not until you get another depressive episode. So they SEEM to be working. But I don't know for sure. It's scary way to live, but I won't live my life in fear. I'm trying to look past it and just keep on keeping on.  There's always the option of going up to 300 mg. But if this med doesn't work, we have to try the scary meds. Like lithium. With lithium, they have to take your blood often to make sure the medication isn't poisoning your body. That's not my idea of a good time.

On a positive note, I got a new stroller! I might have a tiny stroller addiction. My old Combi, which I loved, was starting to crack a little. And it's not great for rough terrain. So we donated that one. I was sad to see it go. We still had the snap n go for the infant seat (which doesn't work because she's too fat for the infant seat) and the Emmaljunga stroller. The Emma is amazing but not really portable.  So I found a Phil & Ted with a double kit online! We went to PG county and bought it for $100! That's a nice stroller! I've wanted a Phil & Ted since before I had kids! So baby fits in it really nicely and the double kid kind of makes it very resellable when she grows out of it. It's a total win!

As for the religious thing, I still continue to be baffled by Christianity as a whole. I don't think it's something I'm ever going to fully understand. I still have to google half the words I read and people say. It's like there's some special Christian language that people grow up with and they just expect everyone to know. Well I don't know it! And it really confuses me. Hubs is still trying to learn and grow as much as he can. He wants to do church and all that. I go along and try and support him. The sermons are usually understandable for the most part. I have this bible app thing on my phone and I try to read a little bit from their "plans" every day. Lately, with the depressive episodes, I haven't been able to really read that stuff. It's not, as a friend put it, light reading. So I've been trying to distract myself from myself and reading books instead.

The diet is still going. I'm not sure I have enough of the shot to last until it's supposed to. I have 4 needles left which means I should have 4 days of the shot. In the jar thing it sure doesn't look like 4 days of the shot. I wonder if I've been using it wrong.... I don't know. It looks like maybe I have one day left. I'm hoping there's 2 days because I can't be doing the maintenance phase on a driving day. I need at least a few days to try it before I drive while doing it! The maintenance phase requires calorie counting and thinking. I kind of want to just stay on the 500 calories a day thing. That's no thinking at all. Drink water, 4 oz of protein, hand full of veg, twice a day, 2 fruits. Easy peasy.  The other one you have a calorie range and you have to try and get 30 grams of protein every meal. And you're eating 3 meals. But this is the most important part because it's resetting your hypothalamus to not suck.

I've lost a total of almost 40 lbs! When I say almost 40 lbs, I mean I'm .8 lbs away from 40 lbs lost! And I haven't even started the maintenance phase! During that phase you're allowed to exercise. So I'm gonna use that stroller and try to walk every day. Hopefully I don't get asphyxiated by all the smokers. Ew. Maybe drive to a trail after taking kids to school and walking in the afternoon with the kids when we're in MD.  I don't know how the weather is going to hold out in PA, but here's hoping! I fit into a lot of things now. I've lost weight before but only in a few places. The nice thing about this diet is that I have lost weight EVERYWHERE! I used to have a problem with things fitting me because my stupid shoulders were too broad. Things fit me again! So I can buy a raincoat and just walk in the rain with the babes.  Hopefully we can still walk in the winter too! I'm looking forward to it. I've found with the low cal phase of the diet, any physical activity actually slows weight loss. So sitting like a lump is better than doing much. I'm actually looking forward to not sitting like a lump. Hopefully that'll help ward of depression too. Though it will make it even harder to tell if the meds are working.

The dr said that I could use another 10 ish lbs during the maintenance phase. Honestly I was hoping for 40 lbs total including both phases. It seems like that is going to be a reality! Like it's actually doable! So I'm really excited!

I have been having peeling fingers and feet the last few weeks. The doctor ordered a thyroid test again. Might have to bump it up again.  And he checked my cholesterol. I want to see how my levels have changed since losing so much weight and being on the krill oil supplement.

Today is my oldest son's birthday. He's 12 years old today! Kind of shocks me that I have a kid that old! I usually do a photo album update thing on Facebook but I haven't gotten a picture of him yet! He has a friend over and they're upstairs playing :)

Our new doctor (the same one who does the diet with me) did physicals for all the kids. They have a conference room for large families. I think doctors in an area with a large Mennonite population is definitely the way to go! He did the check ups and had only nice things to say. Which is quite a change from all the traditional doctors who had nothing but gloom and doom.  He did say that we should try and limit gluten for the kids. Hubs is taking that to mean cut out completely and is reading stuff about gut damage and all that. And now he's trying to cut out gmo corn and soy.  He said something about how the gmo damages the gut so gluten leaks into the blood stream and screws people up.  So he's been gung how about trying to cut out gluten entirely. I'm not sure that needs to be done, but whatever works. It's a challenge for cooking and I like that :) Except I'm not making my own pie crusts. That's a major pain in the ass and when they have decent ones ready made? You better believe it that I'm gonna buy it.

Now the kids have migrated downstairs and are all playing Minecraft downstairs.  :) I should start some cookies!

Gorge days

The gorge days have been fun! Buffet yesterday and I may have ate my weight in clams. They have happy memories!

Today I ate my weight in pizza. I don't mind the no bread bit, but no cheese is going to hurt where it counts.... Hopefully it'll be worth it! 

I took some before pictures but I'm embarrassed to share them now. I've seen lots of them online and you have to look very serious in them or they're not legit. So I tried to look all hard and serious. It's not a good look for me. The after pictures are more fun because you get to look happy. I'll post them both in about 80 days! Maybe some during pictures too. The only full length mirror is in the Baltimore house. 

I've had to do the shots 2 days now. I don't handle needles well when someone else does it. So me doing it to myself? Not great. Hubs made me sit down after the first one because I was hyperventilating and he was afraid I was going to faint. Hopefully that gets easier....38 days of that left. Z said that I could use her princess band-aids. That might be inspiration for me!

Thankfully my thyroid is finally starting to be on the mend. I'm on the minimum "therapeutic dose" and I'm starting to see positive changes. I'm feeling less moody and feeling a lot more everything (which is bad too because I'm prone to random crying jags). I have slightly more energy and a bit more patience.  

We all went to Sunday school at the church today. Kids liked it, I got to spend time with C. It was good. Then services started and, as usual, my anxiety attacks started. I felt like I couldn't breathe and nauseous and dizzy. So the baby and I left. I don't know why I can't handle any religious services without massive anxiety. I'm sure a therapist could poke at it and find out by I don't really want to be poked at. Instead I went to visit my cousin, L. It was great to see her and I'm not going to let so long pass in between visits! 

Anyway, I'm going to go downstairs and eat more pizza before tomorrow makes my food centric self sad 

Hello interwebz!

My very first post! I'm going to try to post at least 2 or 3 times a week, but no promises!

I'm starting this blog mainly to chronicle my diet journey. It's more than a diet though. I'm doing something called the HCG Protocol.  My really awesome doctor (who is actually a PA), has helped thousands of patients lose a ton of weight in a safe and healthy way. So after bemoaning to him that I work my butt off at the gym and don't lose anything, he suggested this. I'm really feeling hopeful. You have to start the diet with 2 gorge days (eat yourself sick, I got that...I really got that...food is everything!) and then you eat 500 SPECIFIC calories for the next month ish.  I figure that food in western PA just aint where it's at. So I'm going to wait until we're in Baltimore to start gorge days. Because Baltimore does food right, hon! You also have to give yourself injections in your thigh. I'm not so crazy about that, but I'll try almost anything once.

I'm also going through a thyroid journey. My mother told me that when I was a teen I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's. Doing research online about hypothyroid issues and Hashi's, I found out that most doctors only medicate with synthroid.  Which is fine for some people, but really really not fine for most people with Hashi's. Did you know it's NOT NORMAL to wake up tired!? Or to have nails that chip? Or to gain weight from a dream about donuts? (mmmmm what a great dream that was....)  There's something with the T's and the numbers and synthroid is only one while NDT (natural desiccated thyroid - from a piggy) is all the T's. The research I've read says that many patients who are treated with just synthroid for long term often get diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar 2 because their bodies are insane. The thyroid controls EVERYTHING. Seriously. If you stub your toe, it's probably the damn thyroid. I had a doctor in Hopkins about 4 or 5 years ago and I tried to get him to give me NDT. His exact words were "It's not going to happen. It's WAY too hard to regulate."  Um....what? Reading bloodwork from a form is hard? Mmmmkay. We have this new dr though and he said he doesn't like prescribing synthroid. So he actually OFFERED me NDT. I seriously started crying. Unfortunately, thyroid meds take months to get the right does. So I'm feeling better every day, but I'm not a patient person and I want it NOW!

In addition to all that crazy stuff, my hubby recently decided he's not Jewish anymore. He is now on a journey to rediscover Christianity. This came around the same time that I really started feeling completely disenfranchised with all religious anything. We've had a lot of heart to hearts and I've come to a place where I definitely believe in God or a creator. Unfortunately for other people, I don't feel like I can slap a label on myself or my beliefs so I have to use the word agnostic, even though I don't really think it fits me.  Hubs went to a church in Baltimore last week and LOVED it. If I can get over my religious-services-anxiety (otherwise known as abject TERROR!) I definitely want to go with him. I have a LOT of baggage from years of Judaism and I need to figure out where I stand on anything.  Christianity is so foreign to me. Not bad. Just completely different mentally, culturally, and spiritually. I used to think it was pretty similar. It's really really not.

So there we are! Those are probably the main topics that are gonna be floating around here the next few months! A journey of self discovery, weight loss, and physical/mental health! Bring it on, baby!